Encounter Centred Couples Therapy (EcCT)
Introduction
EcCT is a powerful new modality of marital therapy. Although it is nothing new, it is still new in the sense that EcCT is looking in a fresh way at the interaction between two people in a certain relationship. This model was developed by Hedy Schleifer, who is making use of a strong metaphorical model for people in a relationship to communicate effectively in order to solve challenges between them effectively.
The premise is that there is no problem with the individuals in the relationship itself. The challenge is to resolve the differences between the two individuals on equal ground. Both of you may be right, but because you have your own neighbourhood, the combination of the two being right can create a challenge that needs to be defused.
EcCT focuses on the relationship between two adults where two individuals help each other to behave like adults to ensure a more mature relationship. The two persons involved in a relationship, are actually allies of one another’s best growth and transformation.
The core components of EcCT
EcCT consists of a few key components or as Hedi Schleifer calls it: invisible connectors.
The first component is the so-called relationship space
Our relationships are living in the space between us. It does not live in me and it does not live in you. It lives in the space between us. It does not have to be the proverbial elephant between us. There is a space between us and this space is sacred. Problem-solving takes place in this specific space.
The challenge in any relationship is neither you nor your partner’s challenge. The challenge lies within the interaction between two people in a specific relationship.
However, this sacred space can consciously be sullied by anger, criticism, disappointment, blaming, recrimination, and so on.
When this space is uncomfortable, it becomes dangerous. Most people, when entering this space, fight or withdraw from each other.
A fight or a quarrel is just as effective as a hailstorm on a farmer’s farm. In the end, the farmer can’t do anything and hides defencelessly in his house, watching his entire crop being destroyed by the hailstorm.
The harder the words, the harder the hail falls. A fight does not resolve anything – it just continues to ruin the harvest. The more people in a specific relationship fight, the more powerless they become against the hailstorm. The more they defend themselves, or the more they attack one another, the less they listen to what the other one is saying. Therefore, the entire crop and relationship become destroyed.
However, the good news is that there is indeed something else they can do. Something that might save the harvest.
The second component is your precious neighbourhood
Both partners come from different neighbourhoods with different sets of upbringing. Your separate neighbourhoods are sacred for both partners and each one’s different point of view make sense for each of you. Both of you have your own values, norms, and needs in your own respective neighbourhoods. No one is right and no one is wrong. Everybody’s neighbourhood is sacred to them. I have in my neighbourhood my home, my things that are important to me, my norms and standards as you are also having your own. There should only be respect for each other’s respective neighbourhoods. As the poet, Rumi said: between right thinking and wrong thinking, there is a field. I will meet you there.
The third component is the bridge
To meet each other, you both have to cross the bridge from your different neighbourhoods, to meet on this island, common ground, a sacred space as mentioned above.
There is no need for an elephant (in the room) between the two of you. However, there can be a bridge of encounters without the two of you having to understand each other’s landscapes. You will have to cross your own bridge to understand the neighbourhood of your loved one. You invite your beloved to cross the bridge to get an understanding of your precious neighbourhood. When your partner crosses the bridge, they will have to leave their own baggage on their side of the bridge. You also should be leaving your own issues on your side of the bridge and you are crossing the bridge literally naked, stripped of all your prejudices. You meet your partner in their neighbourhood with the utmost respect in an effort to better understand their world. As the Arab proverb states: before you walk through the gate to your partner, ask yourself: is it necessary, is it friendly, is it true?
On the other side of the bridge, you will not necessarily explore new landscapes, but you will learn to see old landscapes through new eyes.
And of course, your partner has to cross their bridge, similar and with the same intentions as you, to visit your neighbourhood.
Practical application of EcCT
You love each other. After all, that is why you are together. When you talk, sit close to one another.
Look each other in the eyes
This is what lovers normally do. For a moment, just become aware of this amazing person in front of you who wants to share their life with you. Look at the landscape in your partner’s eyes
Become aware of their need to love unconditionally and to be loved unconditionally. Even if there is fear or hatred in your partner’s eyes, you can still be a witness of love in your partner’s eyes. Take a deep breath. Relax. Without having to say a word, say with your eyes: I love you. Say with your eyes: thank you for coming over the bridge and thank you for wanting to work on our challenge.
Hold hands
After all, this is what people who are in love do. There is much more to it than only holding hands. By holding hands, something happens in our central nervous system. We remember more what our partner is telling us when we hold hands, rather than just focusing on our own point of view.
Tell each other now your wildest dreams for your relationship
Where do you want to go with your relationship? You do not focus on the challenge, but on the solution and on your dreams for and with each other.
Invite one another to your respective neighbourhoods
Prepare your place for your partner. Make it sacred. Thank your partner for accepting your invitation to understand your neighbourhood. You can put your partner at ease by telling them that you are there without issues and baggage, by saying, I am here. Just here. I have walked across the bridge, and I have left my baggage behind. Thank your partner for leaving their baggage behind. Now it is your turn to understand their neighbourhood better.
In this sacred space, you listen
You listen with your eyes open. You listen with an open heart. You listen as if you are hearing a new language for the very first time, you listen mindfully. You can say to your partner: I hear you are saying… do I understand you correctly? When they confirm that you’ve heard it right, you can start responding.
Then tell your partner what you have learned about your relationship as well yourself. Thank your partner for their visit to your neighbourhood and give your appreciation for it.
And take off your shoes, because this space is sacred.