Super self-confidence

The Dachshund and the German Shepherd

When I was a child, my parents had friends who lived on a farm not far from town. Oom Bertus had a dog, a Dachshund, a sausage dog, one horrible animal, with the ironic name of Pavlov. A really cantankerous creature that ruled the entire farm, literally bullied everything and everyone. One day, Oom Bertus brought a puppy, a German Shepherd puppy, to the farm.

As a puppy, the German Shepherd was, as expected, also bullied by Pavlov.  The German Shepherd grew up and became a big and vicious dog. However, Pavlov continued to bully him, even as a big dog.  Ironically the German Shephard allowed this abuse. He was still a puppy in his mind, never realising he had grown up to a big dog.

My parents don’t really remember what happened that specific evening.  It was a dark moonless night.  According to my parents, there was a commotion on the farm.  Apparently, strangers arrived on the farm. During the chaos the Shepherd, unknowingly grabbed Pavlov and had bitten him quite beautifully, not realising that it was Pavlov.

The moment the Shepherd realised that it was Pavlov between his teeth – he released.  And this was the end of it all.  Pavlov never bullied the Shepherd again.

It took the Shepherd one moment, one experience, one realisation to realise that he was a German Shepherd and not that helpless, small puppy. On the other hand, it also took Pavlov one moment, one experience, one realisation to realise that he is only a sausage dog with a lion’s heart.

The turning point happens when people realise, they are not a victim but are and have always been a survivor, more than a survivor, but a conqueror.

Self-esteem is much more than just self-confidence

The word esteem has its’ origin from the Latin word aestimare which literally means to put a value on something. Self-esteem means the value you place on yourself as a person.  People with a high self-esteem have a strong sense of themselves, they like themselves and they can recognise their inner feelings and manage these feelings. They also have a strong sense of their own meaning and purpose in life.

Self-esteem is the term used to describe the scale that you measure yourself on. High self-esteem means that you place high value on yourself, that you believe in your own worth and accept yourself for who you are, and it will usually dictate how you think, feel, act and even dress.

When you can accept yourself, you can comfortably live with yourself with your strengths as well as your weaknesses without being unnecessarily critical of yourself. When you respect yourself, you acknowledge your own dignity and value as a unique human being. You treat yourself the same way you treat someone that you have a lot of respect for. When you trust yourself, you know that you can depend on your subconscious to show you the things you want to get done. To believe in yourself means that you feel you deserve the good things life has to offer.

How to recognise a good self-esteem

People with a good self-esteem are those who do not need to prove or justify themselves. Consider for a moment a social event and you are observing three specific individuals:

• The one individual is sitting in a corner, almost hiding. They clearly do not have good self-esteem.
• The second person is the heart and soul of the party. They are loud and everyone knows them, being aware of their presence. These people especially may not have a good self-esteem, as they might be hiding behind a mask of being loud.
• The third person is someone you know who is there. They do not say much, but when they speak, people tend to pay attention to them.

Therefore, someone with a low self-esteem may tend to:    

• always brag
• belittle others
• are show-offs
• call others names
• taking over conversations
• exaggerate their achievements

People with a good self-esteem:

• like themselves
• is content with who they are
• have a strong sense of themselves
• have a clear sense of purpose in life
• recognise their internal state and can manage it
• have a quiet self-confidence
• are not looking for compliments, but knows how to handle compliments well
• are fairly humble
• regularly see other people’s successes and are interested in it
• do not need to get recognition from others
• are happy with others about their achievements.

You are in control of your life

You are always in control of your life since you always have choices.

You have always been a survivor. You have experienced so many problems, challenges and crises and you are still here. You have always survived. Why would you not survive any future challenges?

Our biggest challenge is that we too often feel and accept that we are victims. We often imagine that other people’s actions are the reason for the way we feel. If you do not take control of your life, other people will take control of it for you. You are in control of your life, and you allow things to happen to you or not.

To blame someone else is to give that person power over your life. You may just feel like a victim, blaming your own misfortune on circumstances, events or other people that have made you unhappy. Once you realise that you are in control of your life, that you alone have the power to change for the better, is when people begin to treat you differently. This fundamental view shift has to come from you before it can have a ripple effect to the people around you.

Thoughts become things

What you think, is what you believe and what you believe is what you will become. If you believe you are inferior, stupid, and ugly – you will become exactly just that.

One of the best examples of evidence is the phenomenon of the   so-called pseudo pregnancies. Women who firmly believe that they are pregnant start to be like pregnant women, even their body starts to adopt the form of a pregnant woman – their belly starting to swell, breasts growing bigger and their menstrual cycle beginning to cease, even when they are not pregnant at all.  This example is only one of the explanations of the power of your imagination.

The beauty of this is that when you believe you are confident, you begin to think you are confident. And when you think you are confident, you will start acting confidently. When that confidence begins to shine through in your actions and mannerisms, other people begin to see it as well and your self-confidence grows.

It is as easy as that.

On the other hand, things also become thoughts, and consequently feelings (physiology)

Things, on the other hand, may also become thoughts. Your feelings or physical sensations – in other words, your physiology can influence your thoughts and your beliefs about yourself.

Consider the following exercise:

As you are sitting here, reading this, tense your buttocks, your legs, and your whole body now. Continue to tense your body and imagine your body to be tense. As you do this, you will begin to notice that you are beginning to experience negative thoughts and worries coming from nowhere!

Imagine a terrible day:  you might be having a bad day today or recalling a particularly tough day from the past.  Now, intentionally decide to smile, look for the good or start appreciating the good during the day.  Over time, you’ll find that you start feeling better, positive about the day.  You ‘ll also notice that people around you respond positively and change their attitudes toward you.  This simple physical change, which you have complete control over, has altered your state of mind entirely. 

Do now the opposite. Relax your whole body. You may find that you start to relax more and worry less.

You can also use your physiology to feel different.

Feel good, look good

What came first: the chicken or the egg? Do you need to feel good first in order to look good, or do you need to look good first in order to feel good. If you feel good, you are in a better frame of mind to make yourself look good. And when you look good, you feel good.

These two states continue to complement each other constantly.  To add to this:  if you feel better, you become more and more attractive.

The French women’s style is widely known to be effortless and yet flawless. They just always seem comfortable in their own skin. Iconic examples are the fashion designer Coco Chanel and actress Catherine Deneuve, who were not exactly classically beautiful, but were yet counted among the most seductive, stylish and charming women in the world – women who left many men heart-broken, even during their autumn years. It has nothing to do with DNA, but everything to do with their absolute faith and confidence in themselves and their own style and French women appreciate and validate women as beautiful and interesting. Aging is not seen as a blur in their beauty, but only a sign of maturity, intelligence and experience that makes them even more mysterious. 

Most of us have somewhere met someone who isn’t physically pretty at all (whatever the definition of beauty may be) but just have that something, that je ne sais quois that makes them incredibly attractive or irresistible without really knowing exactly why.

I am certain that you can think of someone who is not generically attractive, but they have that something that brings out their unique beauty and attraction.

The secret to self-confidence is not settled in your physical appearance but in your attitude and the way you carry and present yourself. Attractiveness is created by your state of mind and how it affects those around you, not by expensive clothes or hairstyles. If you picture yourself as strong, sexy, and confident – that aura will ripple out to others and become the reality of you and of those people around you.

And you too can model this same attitude, by just using your imagination.  Anything you practice using your imagination uses the same parts of your brain that you will use when you are actually performing the behaviour or feelings in real life.

Think of someone you find attractive. It could be friends or celebrities who you see on TV or in movies. Watch their behaviour closely.

They enhance their attractiveness with:

• their posture and will stand or sit up straight;
• them opening their eyes wide;
• their smile;
• the easy and confident way they communicate.

When they enhance their attractiveness, they begin to feel good about themselves and begin to look good and you will begin to perceive them as attractive and even irresistible.

As a result of the above, the following physiological responses start to take place:

• their skin begins to brighten up;
• they look healthy, and
• they look more attractive.

The better they feel, the better they look. This cycle continues to create an image that others see as attractive.

You may increase your self-confidence by modelling their behaviour for a moment. Again, think of a person whom you consider to be attractive and confident.

Imagine (thoughts become things) yourself in this person’s body and just imagine yourself to be doing what this person is doing:

• sitting or just standing up straight;
• opening your eyes wider;
• smiling; and
• imagining communicating in an easy and confident way.

What are you experiencing?  Do you immediately feel more confident?

You will be able to do it since you can control your confidence through your physiology. 

You can indeed take control your self-confidence with your physiology.

You can manage your physiology by using the following:

• The way you speak:

Your physiology can control your feelings in the way you speak. The way you speak can also enhance your self-confidence.

Speak:

–   softer

–   slower

–   lower (a lower tone of voice)

Just by using your voice, you can feel more in control of a situation and yourself! 

• Eye movements:

When you are experiencing an unpleasant emotion, you can simply switch your emotions off by your eye movements. Just roll your eyes up, especially when you are feeling sad or distressed. When you do this, you will notice that the bad feelings start to subside.

When you are in a good mood, roll your eyes down and gone are the good feelings. 

• Slow and deep breathing:

When you breathe slowly and deeply you will relax more and when you are more relaxed you will have more control over your mind and your response. 

• Bodily relaxation

When you relax, you will also breathe slower and deeper, which will further help you enjoy more control over your thoughts.

Therapy

You can read more about these therapies on my website.

• Hypnosis and NLP will help you to increase your self-confidence;
• BWRT and hypnosis can help you work through those incidents that broke your self-confidence; while
• Mindfulness may help you to live in the moment of the here and now.